Last Thoughts
by scubysnak
Summary: A decision by Sara leaves a coworker to deal with what might have been. CathSara femmeslash
1. Chapter 1

"Cath, can we talk?" Sara asked flatly.

"What can I do for you today, Sara?" Catherine asked with a perturbed look on her face.

"Not here. How about over breakfast?"

"Sorry, I have to pick up Lindsey from my sister's after work. Teacher workday-no school today. Maybe another time, okay?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. Thanks anyway," and with that, Sara dropped her head and turned to leave.

"Wait, Sara. Is there something important you needed to talk about?"

"Nah, that's okay. Don't worry about it."

"Okay then," Catherine said to the retreating figure of Sara. At that moment Catherine didn't know that this would be the last instant she'd see Sara alive.

Catherine went back to busying herself with the case files that had accumulated on her desk. She was still sitting there when the shrill sound of a single gun shot rang like a bell throughout the lab. Her first instinct was to take cover, but something in her made her run toward the sound of the shot. She was ill-prepared for what she was about to see.

She rounded the corner toward the locker room and saw an ashen Greg walk out of the locker room and immediately fall down against the wall. He was visibly shaken and distraught. He looked into her eyes as she passed in front of him and she knew at once what she'd find on the other side of the door. Everything began to move in slow motion. She pushed open the door and saw Nick walk toward her. He put his hands out and said, "Cath, you don't need to see this. Just go back to your office." His body was blocking her view. She allowed him to begin to walk her back toward the door when her curiosity and instinct got the better of her. She quickly turned on her heel to walk further into the locker room. As soon as she broke away from Nick, she saw Sara's boots and instantly screamed, "NO!"

Nick grabbed her and held her up. He walked the sobbing blonde out of the locker room. She kept repeating, "No," as he walked her back to her office. He was unsure why Catherine was reacting so emotionally. She had never been close to the younger CSI and had seemed to do everything within her power to emotionally decimate and socially isolate the Harvard graduate.

He was sitting on Catherine's couch, his arm around her trying to soothe her. Just as calm began to settle into Catherine's body, an equally emotional blonde detective burst into the office.

"You couldn't take a few minutes to fucking talk to her? She needed to talk to you. God knows I've tried to take your place, but I never could. I could never equal the great Catherine fucking Willows. A few minutes of your time and she'd still be here. I wish that was you in there—lifeless and dead," Nick had physically placed himself between the two women to prevent Sofia from taking her anger out on Catherine.

"Sofia you should probably go. Emotions are running high and talking like this to Catherine won't change anything that's happened," Nick said calmly as he ushered a distraught Sofia from Catherine's office.

"Give her this. Sara had it in the hand that wasn't holding the gun," Sofia said as she handing a blood splattered envelop to Nick. "She needs to read that."

Nick turned the envelope over in his hands. No name was on the envelope and it had already been opened. Normally, he wouldn't have done this, but with it having already been opened, he didn't feel guilty about reading the apparently hastily written note. As he read it, he suddenly understood everything.

He walked back into Catherine's office and sat beside her once against on the couch. In his best 'big brother' voice, Nick started, "Cath, I had no idea. Why didn't you---I mean, no one would have thought…Shit, Cath, she was in love with you?"

Catherine hung her head and nodded. "I was in love with her, too."


	2. Chapter 2

"Sofia asked me to give this to you," he said as he handed over the blood stained envelope.

"Where did she get this?" Catherine asked.

Despite knowing better, Nick replied, "It was in her hand. There's no name on the outside. It was already open. Sofia must've opened it when she found it. She said it was for you. I think you should read it."

"Thanks, Nick. You go on. There's going to be a lot to do around here. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. Don't worry about me," she said as she ushered him out of her office.

"Page me if you need me," he said as she shut the door on him.

She gathered her purse and keys and exited the building without telling anyone where she was going. _Fuck this job_ was her only thought.

Somehow she managed to get home. She walked into her house and straight to her bedroom. She stripped off her clothes and crawled under the covers and gently began to sob as she read the last letter Sara had written for her.

_My dearest Catherine,_

_I've always thought of you as mine. We had our differences and our share of fights over the years. But inside, a part of me always wanted you. You must know how completely unprepared I was for you to tell me that you thought you were in love with me. It scared me. I know fear. I've been intimate with fear, after all, I was abused by my parents and witnessed my mother kill my father. But nothing has ever scared me more than the confession of your love. I outright rejected you, and I'm sorry. I've tried nearly every day for the last month to talk to you about this and each time, you find a new reason to brush me off. I know it's probably out of embarrassment or because you felt awkward about your confession or perhaps you realized it was not love you felt for me after all and have moved on. I never meant to hurt you. After you told me how you felt, I began to see you in a different light. You were the same Catherine you had always been, but suddenly I saw myself watching you differently. I'd see you place a hand on someone's shoulder in a gesture of kindness and a spark of jealousy would alight within me. I've never been good with relationships, which is probably why I've had so few or pursued and been involved with people who were technically unavailable. I used Sofia hoping that her affections would suffice, but they didn't. She knew she was your replacement. When I saw you leave yesterday with Wendy after telling me that you had "other plans," I knew I had lost my chance. I had missed an opportunity for happiness. And now, here I sit. A cleaned, loaded gun my only companion. The only friend I have. Another morning I've been turned down by you. Only this morning, it was different. You wanted to be with your daughter. And that's when it struck me. I don't deserve you. I did us both a favor when I rejected you. I gave you an opportunity to find someone worthy of your love and I finally gave myself permission to give up. _


	3. Chapter 3

I'm not sure when it all began. It's not like I _knew_ that I was developing feelings for Sara. We were in the middle of an awful fight one day—in the hall of the lab—and suddenly I didn't know why I was fighting with this woman instead of kissing her and holding her and telling her how wonderful she was. In the middle of the argument, I turned on my heels and skulked off leaving her standing there with a stunned expression on her face and calling after me as I walked away.

I was having a hard time understanding how I could feel like this about Sara. _Sara._ All business. Tall—lanky—infuriating—genius—sexy—what am I doing thinking that Sara's sexy? She's Sara—she's not sexy. I've avoided all contact with her for a few weeks. Luckily, Grissom hasn't given us any cases together. Until tonight.

"Catherine, Sara—DB at a club on the strip," Grissom said as he handed the slip to Sara. She took it and started to walk out the door while I was still sitting there looking at Grissom slack-jawed. "Catherine, is there a problem?"

"Don't you think Sara is capable of working a single DB by herself? Does she really need me? I still have a case I'm trying to finish up," I was attempting to avoid working with Sara.

"Catherine, this is not negotiable. You're working with Sara tonight. I suggest that whatever problem the two of you have with one another, you solve it. I'm not going to have the lab suffer because you two can't play nice. Understand?"

I didn't say a word. I pushed myself up from the couch and stomped out of the break room. I didn't expect to literally run into Sara as I walked to the locker room to grab my stuff. I was walking with my head down and as I rounded the corner, I slammed into the body of one Sara Sidle. I fell flat on my ass.

I looked up at her with a surprised look on my face. "You okay, Cath? I didn't see you there. Sorry."

I couldn't even muster an answer for her. I just accepted her hand and let her pull me up. I looked her in the eyes, and felt myself immediately blush. I hurried into the locker room to grab my things. I stood there with my head against the locker and never heard her enter the room.

"Cath, you sure you're okay?"

"No, Sara. I'm not."

"Did you hit your head? Do you need to see a doctor or something? Want me to tell Grissom that you can't work the scene? Anything I can do?"

Without thinking, I turned to face Sara, who was now standing within arm's reach and spoke, "Yeah, there's something you can do."

"Anything. Just tell me what you need," Sara said to Catherine.

I took one of Sara's hands in mine and said, "The last few weeks, I---. There's no easy way to do this. Will you go out with me?" I smiled as warmly as I could and hoped it would be enough to make Sara consider my proposition.

She pulled her hand away from me and said, "Wow, Catherine, I'm, uh, flattered—"

"You two planning on getting to your crime scene anytime tonight?" Grissom said as he pushed the heavy door of the locker room open.

"Yeah, Sara's on her way now. Your graceful princess here knocked me down in the hall and I hit my head pretty hard. I'm going home. I don't feel so well," I said to Grissom as I walked past him.

As I walked down the hall, I could hear Sara explaining to Grissom how as I rounded the corner she ran into me and knocked me flat on my ass. We both knew that I hadn't hit my head. I was thankful that she spared me further embarrassment and was covering for me.

I cried the entire way home. I had made a complete ass of myself. How could I have asked Sara out? Did I really think she'd say yes? Everyone knows she has a thing for Grissom. Now I'll never be able to face her. I have perfected the art of evading and avoiding Sara Sidle. I've been doing it the last few weeks. I can probably keep doing it. Maybe I can move to the dayshift or swing shift? What if she tells people about me asking her out? I'm going to die. Sara Sidle will be the death of me.


End file.
